Trump’s Energy Department Fearlessly Takes on Big, Bad Efficient Shower Heads

Thank you, Mr. President.
Thank you, Mr. President.
Photo: Scott Olson (Getty Images)

Hurricane season and mismanagement are fucking with utilities up and down the East Coast and continuing nationwide lockdowns are causing people’s energy bills to soar. More than 165,000 Americans have died from covid-19 and some states are setting worrisome records. But there’s a bigger threat out there to our American energy system and way of life. And thankfully, Trump’s Department of Energy is rising to fight the scourge of efficient shower heads (?).

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On Wednesday, the agency put forth a rule change to ease water efficiency requirements for shower heads. A 1990 mandate put forward by Congress requires showers to have a maximum flow rate of 2.5 gallon-per-minute, even if you’re a fancy person (like our president) with multiple shower heads. The new proposal would allow manufacturers to attach as many shower heads as they want, and each one could spit out 2.5 gallon-per-minute. Forget efficiency and water conservation. Make it rain, baby (but also I hope I don’t drown in my new shower).

The proposal follows multiple complaints from Trump about insufficient water flow, which has been impeding his ability to properly wash his luscious locks.

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“So shower heads—you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out,” he said in a speech last month. “So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair—I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect.”

This, of course, is a totally normal and reasonable thing for our president to prioritize right now, especially because he truly does have, um, “perfect” hair.

Exhibit A:

The PERFECT hair!
The PERFECT hair!
Photo: Jim Watson (Getty Images)
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I can totally see where dude is coming from. He’s got a signature look going on, and low-flow shower heads can totally make it harder for your hair to look like a Lego person’s combover. That measly flow of water can make your hair look thin and your head shine through it like a bright covid-killing light inside your body. But hey, it’s not, you know, balding, because that would never happen to a big strong perfect-haired man like Donald Trump. It’s the shower flow. Clearly.

Look, I know shower heads are already wasteful, and I know there are droughts happening, and I know they’re going to get worse, and that shower head flow rates are extremely low-hanging fruit if we’re going to boost our water efficiency. But if our president doesn’t have his perfect hair, how will he ever guide us out of this mess toward a more water-efficient future?

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We’ve got to start by boldly eliminating the emergent threats of efficient showers, toilets, faucets, and even light bulbs. Thank you, Mr. President, for your service. America will be power washed and great again in no time.

Staff writer, Earther

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David E. Davis