The President Has Toilet Problems

Trump at a small business roundtable in the White House on Friday.
Trump at a small business roundtable in the White House on Friday.
Graphic: Gizmodo/Evan Vucci (AP)

President Donald J. Trump is having some toilet trouble—extremely normal toilet trouble that happens to all of us on a regular basis. Like how we sometimes have to flush 10-15 times before it all goes down, and that is totally due to wacko liberals demanding environmentally friendly toilets.

Advertisement

At a roundtable at the White House on reducing the supposedly onerous regulatory burdens on the nation’s businesses on Friday, Trump regaled attendees with a tale of bathroom madness that is definitely familiar to us all and absolutely, not at all, based on the singular experience of a man tormented by how to use the sink and who backs up the bowl every time he uses it. And now the Environmental Protection Agency is now revisiting policy according to the president’s bowel movements.

“We have a situation where we’re looking very strongly at sinks and showers, and other elements of bathrooms,” Trump said. “You turn the faucet on and, areas where there’s tremendous amounts of water where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it, and you don’t get any water. You turn on the faucet and you don’t get any water.”

Advertisement

“They take a shower and water comes dripping out, just dripping out, very quietly dripping out,” Trump continued. “People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. They end up using more water. So [the Environmental Protection Agency] is looking at that very strongly at my suggestion. You go into a new building, or a new house, or a new home, and they have standards on where you don’t get water, you can’t wash your hands practically there’s so little water that comes out of the faucet. And the end result is you leave the faucet on and it takes you much longer to wash your hands, you end up using the same amount of water.”

The president concluded that “There may be some areas where we go the other route, desert areas, but for the most part you have many states where they have have so much water that it comes down, it’s called rain, they don’t know what to do with it.”

Advertisement

The White House offered no insights to how the EPA would look into rectifying these totally normal toilet problems. But let’s be clear.

The president uses the toilet perfectly—perfectly! The doctors, they know—folks, it’s the toilet’s fault, believe me. Lock that toilet up, folks, who knows what it’s hiding? The dirty sink is in on it too, investigate the sink. If we don’t let the sky water go through the pipes and take away our business, our country is in big trouble, it’s terrible and we have to get it back, folks. This toilet is the worst toilet I’ve ever seen, they say I did obstruction but the toilet is a bad toilet, it’s not sending its best water, it’s sending a little drip drip drip, that’s obstruction. It’s been proven with the emails. We’re gonna be making the most beautiful toilets we’ve ever seen, you won’t be able to clog those ones up, folks. And the sinks, we’re gonna have the biggest sinks you’ve ever seen, and they’re gonna have solar panels on them, so they pay for themselves. They’re gonna be back and we’re gonna make taking a dump great again.

Advertisement

Thank you bathroom for your support!

"... An upperclassman who had been researching terrorist groups online." - Washington Post

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

Tebow Kneeled First

My head literally hurts reading those quotes because of the amount of complete nonsense. “There’s so little water that you end up using too much water”. The fuck are you saying?

What makes this better is that Trump is a notorious germaphobe (itself an idictment of his mental status. Typically that particular neurosis actually leads to people getting sick more often. I digress...) and he clearly is irritated by whatever motion-detecting faucet didn't register his particular shade of aged citrus right before giving this interview, words spilling out of face with about the competency and predictability of said faucet.